I post this not because of it’s musical merit, but so I can tell this story. First some background on this record…

1990. Ruthless Records. White girl. Eazy-E produced, sort of. Almost every song is about being a tough white bitch. As simple as NWA’s rhymes were, she dumbs it down even more and then jacks their rhymes. Eazy guests on a track or two. Really simple and weak stuff. Funny as shit.

I’ve been told the story about her and Eazy before, but shit if I can remember it now. All I can remember is someone punching someone else and me laughing really hard when I heard that.

Where this becomes remotely interesting is that years ago I worked for a certain metal record label that was putting out her nu-metal band’s record. Oh yeah, she looks like this, only really haggard with tons of caked on makeup.

So her album is about to come out and they need a cover for it still. The inhouse artist at the label had spent days slaving over this cover art, and this guy is a genius. I know I throw that word around a lot, but the guy is seriously talented. He’s a Photoshop wizard and made this insanely delicate and gorgeous cover, something like 1000 layers, totally amazing. The woman on the cover was constructed from about 25 pieces of different faces and it all blended perfectly to create a realistic looking woman. It was obviously the cover.

So Tairrie comes into the office and takes one look at it and is like…”Um, no. Let’s use my art.” And her art is horrid. Like really really bad. So they pressed 100,000 copies of really bad art. This isn’t the funny part.

This is.

Tairrie B. FUCKING SMELLS SO BAD! When she walks into the office, every single time, you can tell she’s there because she doesn’t shower. Probably not ever. Instead she uses the grossest smelling, cheap skanky perfume to mask her terribly offensive odor. It’s the kind of perfume that twelve year old whores would wear. Young whores that just walked through a desert and then jumped into a rotting tank of shit.

Holy Lord, I don’t think you could understand this smell. It wasn’t like she shat her pants kind of smell. It was like armpit times a million being masked by shitty perfume samples from magazines. Her smell was LOUD. It was everywhere.

So everyone knows she smells. Everyone. Because it’s fucking obvious and scary. The president of the company makes jokes. Everyone snickers. And then on top of that, she’s a cunt to everyone because she thinks she’s a rock star.

Sigh. I wish I could remember who punched who. I feel like maybe Dr. Dre punched her. He probably just wanted her to stop stinking up the place. Right?

Tairrie, I know you Googled yourself and are reading these words right now. You know who thinks you’re a rock star? The twelve year old whores on myspace that think your nu-metal is original and innovative. Please shower.

Oh, I actually do like this album though. It’s fucking hilarious. I can smell you when I listen to it.

PS – She spent several thousand dollars at Hot Topic getting a “tough bitch” wardrobe for tour. And yes, I’m still a little pissed that my red wasn’t “blood red” enough for her shitty flash animation pop up.

A few years ago, the fantastically great band Mae Shi launched a tour by playing a show in LA where they invited everyone to bring them mix CDs in exchange for one of their own. I made them a CD and I’m pretty sure it was great. They were stoked that I put the Trilambs on it.

Entitled Old Skool Beats, this 49 track compilation encompasses pretty much everything in the world that rules. 3 seconds or thereabouts from great songs, this mix has it all. Clips from mainstream hip hop, noise bands, local LA bands and a lot of the Mae Shi’s own music. One track entirely dedicated to Andrew WK. Amazing.

This can totally drive you crazy if you try and listen to it in one shot. I find it works great at parties or in small doses. But a long drive with this would probably be pretty great too.

This must have taken forever to edit together.

Please enjoy responsibly.

This record, Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution.  The Solution = Let It Be, came out in 1989 and is fucking WEIRD.

Initially I only liked it for the sweet, amazing, fantastic cover of These Boots Are Made For Walking, a must have for all fans of cover songs. It’s really, quite fucking bizarre.

Crispin Glover, you might know him as George McFly, I prefer to think of him as Cousin Dell from Wild At Heart. The man is totally weird and great. Perhaps you’ve seen Willard or River’s Edge. Regardless of what you think of him as an actor, this record can either confirm your sinking suspicions that he’s a psycho, or reinforce your opinion that he’s a complete genius.

Either way, it’s a fun ride. The track “Auto-Manipulator” sounds like a track from Dee Dee Ramone’s rap record. “I’m an auto-manipulator. I play with myself, I’m a masturbator.” It’s awesome. Maybe my new favorite. I was really into “Clowny Clown Clown” for a while, but I think I’ve grown to appreciate “Auto-Manipulator” after recent listenings.

The record is half song, half surreal readings. Not exactly something you’ll find yourself yearning for every day, but it’s chock full of gems and definitely worth a few listens.

Enjoy.

DJ Spinshits comes from one of the great masters of rock, Josh Taylor (aka. Old Man Taylor, aka. Grandfather Time, aka. Showtime Hollywood Josh Taylor, aka. “featuring Josh Taylor”). He’s been in several great bands and a million other side projects, mostly in Denver, but now he’s in LA. He is a factory of loud and often annoying rock music. He is my hero.

He was the bassist in one of the Greatest Bands Of All Time, Friends Forever. I really shouldn’t have to go on, but I love this man. When Friends Forever dissolved a few sad years ago, he recast the band with blond ladies in bikinis, who could rock just as hard with fireworks strapped to their helmets while playing out of a van in the middle of a parking lot. He called it Josh Taylor’s Friends Forever and several US tours ensued. Pure genius.

He is now in a handful of LA bands, most notably Smooth Grooves and Foot Village. In Smooth Grooves, when he’s on drums, there are two drummers. When he’s on bass, there are two bassists. Either way, it’s fucking awesome. I’m recording their debut record in the coming weeks. Color me excited. In Foot Village, he drums alongside three other crazy people, myself included, and screams his head off. Very loud. Very great. Like I said, this man is a rock monster. Unstoppable.

I’ve been a fan of this man for quite some time, probably all of my life as The World’s Greatest American Rock DJ, and this record I post is one of my favorites.

It has nothing to do with his domination of the bass or drums or trumpet or screaming or coordinating a firework display. In fact, it’s almost completely off-topic.

As he once explained it to me, DJ Spinshits seeks out to make the absolute worst mixes imaginable. Two turntables and a microphone are his tools, and he destroys each one with amazing force. So he made two records as DJ Spinshits and sent them to all the turntablism magazines that review submissions. As I recall, he only got one printed review in which the reviewer was just horrified that someone took the time to make this horrible, horrible record.

I couldn’t disagree more. I’m happy this was made. It’s fucking great to listen to. He cuts off a shitty 80′s pop song with machine gun fire and then goes right into screaming rock. Then he starts scratching. Badly. And then he’ll yell, “Alriiiiiiight! DJ SPIIIIIIIIINS HITS!” Then he starts singing “Come Sail Away.”

Fuck this record is great. Perhaps I’ll post the follow-up record “Yo! Tip Yip Yall!” in a few weeks.

The first and only time I’ve seen Xu Xu Fang live, it was at a KXLU benefit concert at the Fais Do Do (run by the coolest pimp ever, seriously). Not sure if there are still 13 people in the band, since the only photo I could find of them only has 5, but that night they had 13 or 14 and they killed.

Playing along with a full length film they made about Los Angeles (read: driving in the rain and blurry street signs), Xu Xu Fang unleashed a massive wall of rock.

They have a tuba player. And it’s great.

This album, Los Angeles in the Winter of ’99, is fantastic. It’s almost like listening to a movie. It’s part radio drama (a man being chased, fearing for his life, lots of rain and Los Angeles noise, torture, etc.) and part awesome rocking. Often simultaneously.

I almost didn’t post this because when I went to their myspace, they douche it up by asking you to request their music at KCRW and Indy 103. Normally, that’d be enough for me to cut off a band forever. However, this record sounds nothing like the coma-inducing shit of either station, so I’ll forgive them. I dare KCRW to play anything off this record. Mr. Harcourt, please fucking christ, turn people onto something that would make the world less BORING. Please?

This is another track, like Party of One, where I only need this one song from the band. Sure, there’s other records and other songs on the record, but whenever I think of the Volumen or Jesus, I think of this song and then I play it.

It’s a catchy, fun one.

I’m also a sucker for songs about Jesus.

More free crap at their website.

Fun fact: When they played at KXLU a couple years ago, they showed up in their tour van, an ambulance. That makes them the second band I know to tour in an ambulance, which totally rules.

These kids know how to do it. Keyboards, drum machines, squealing guitars and nasally vocals. Is there a finer recipe for complete rock domination?

This is their self-released cd-r Homosexual Cookies. It’s from 2003, I think. I’m actually quite surprised this cd made it onto my computer safely. The cd-r I have is beyond beaten up from the years it has spent in the chaos that is my cd collection. Of course it is unlabeled, in an unlabeled paper sleeve. At one point there was a small tatter of paper with track listings on it, but that definitely didn’t survive. I’m sure I could ask someone who might know, but that would slow me down.

They have bigger and better records, but this one is still my favorite. I love me some lo-fi, super-jagged synth sounds.

Child Pornography is still around playing shows, in fact, they have a handful coming up around the US in the next few months. Check out their myspace for details.

This guy rules.

I have to say, I am not a fan of poetry, but if more poetry sounded like this, maybe I could get into it.

It sounds like Sam Kinison trying to tell you something really important in complete gibberish. If that makes sense.

These mp3s are from a live performance at SUNY Buffalo in 2000. They are already available at ubuweb, but I’m reposting them here. A few months ago, I downloaded nearly everything at ubuweb and have been slowly going through it and pulling out the real gems. This is by far one of my favorites.

It can either blow your mind, or drive you crazy. Which means I love it.

This record makes me happy. I don’t normally go for Joy Division-ish, 80′s prom dance sequence type stuff, but I can’t help it. Some songs are much better than others, Track 4 being my favorite. If you’re not in the mood for super dreamy reverb, skip it. If you are, you should be happy like me.

I’ve been trying to find out information about this band for years now. The internet has only vague blurbs about them. I once saw this record for sale on a dinky website, but I couldn’t find it again just now.

This is from 2001 or thereabouts. 8 tracks, 28 minutes, titles unknown. Please comment if you can shed some light on this record/band.